On the Topic of Growth and Change

I’d like to share with you an experience I had recently that provide a deeper layer to my sense of self rooted in the medicine I am here to share with this community. This was originally posted on Patreon on 3/18/2022

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I was caked in dry clay/dirt. All the black sludge i’d been cleaning my whole life were polluted energy leaks of a wounded divine masculine embodied as the patriarchy, generational trauma, past lifetimes trauma and hurt, sexual abuse, energetic abuse, the trauma of growing up undiagnosed and misunderstood - all the emotional baggage I had intellectualized to pieces in therapy. Baggage that logically I had moved past and emotionally equipped myself to manage, but never shook from my system.

I believed I had. Don’t get me wrong here. I was never consciously ignoring the physical symptoms of trauma. I didn’t know it WAS trauma. Never even realized I could LET GO of some of it instead of just “managing” it.

The beautiful cocktail of ableism, patriarchy, misogyny, being a “fat girl” at the prime of fad diet culture in the late 90s early 00s (diet culture), non identified autistic, hormonal birth control, and anxiety medication allowed those leaks to go unnoticed. I was unknowingly learning through observation and energy reading [even as a child] that those leaks were a normal part of our human experience akin to breathing, so to discuss it would be unnecessary, unwelcomed, or tolerated at best.

The tipping point came earlier this month after a series of small, yet powerful shifts in my perception of myself. Over the last few days/week/ikd? — time is weird — a small and significant, yes AND significant, event resurface from the past. One I believed to be resolved. Sacred rage arrived before I had even completely registered what happened.

This was not new. Rage has always been an unwanted, uninvited guest whom I tried to usher away as quickly as possible.

That is, until the last series of small, profound shifts in my perception. My higher self is not bound to my human brain and therefore often sends me understanding in feeling because that is a language we have used long before I knew words. They taught me about rage. This time I listened.

I invited her in. I made her tea and let her break the cups. I let her yell and felt her cry and weep with grief. We had many visitors who showed me how to hold and comfort anger. Then she taught me to listen. She reminded me of my needs when I wasn’t protecting them. I let her be angry at me for shushing her. She’s got lots of valid points even after sorting through the pride and ego’s filters.

So back to the tipping point.

I felt rage - and I felt love, not fear. Not blind, hateful spite, but a fierce reminder that I wouldn’t be here if I’d listened the first time. So I made myself known. I cut the cord and it felt true. I felt free and I love myself for it. I chose me with as much grace and love as I could manage in that place in my practices.

The peripheral angers still simmered below the surface. I was acutely aware of the polluted leaks plugged all in all over. The sludge hardening like dried clay and dirt, I envisioned myself breaking through the clay, peeling away the layers of gunk that were never mine to hold at all.

I asked Mother Earth to help. I felt an atmospheric shift: a slight increase in air pressure, a damp earthy smell entered my nose, a sense of reverent support held me. I felt her start pulling the leaking cords tight as I sliced and placed my hand on the severed wounds. Moving along my throat, I unplugged a giant cord socket. I used Reiki to cauterize and then heal the wound left by the socket. Again, at the base of my spine, I removed another node of cords, cauterized the flow, then healed over the wound. Again, this time all over my womb space, I pulled and called upon Reiki, my teachers, Mother Earth, and her helpers as we gathered and transmuted the cords. There is no time in this place. I do not know how long I was in this state of consciousness nor is that relevant information. I stepped out of that clay golem cocoon, a fully energetic being.

I am light with clean windows. I am FINALLY clean and I get to start a new discussion with myself. I was reborn that day, just I was before and will be over and over as I continue to grow.